Who are these mother fuckers who decide that war and hate are the answer??
Maybe I have been doing stupid, self-sabatogy stuff lately to practice loving myself. I mean why else would I write some of the shit I write? I mean, yes, I write stuff that I am feeling with my whole heart at the time, but as people give me other perspectives I can feel like an idiot when I realize I was only looking through one pane of an 8 pane window. I know I hit the nail on the head though a lot. I could even say it would be a 78% average nail hit. Of course it could it be better and I will always strive for better, but the issue is that I can’t stop the socially-awkward truth-Tourette’s I have. I just have to get better at vetting what I post.
I had a break down today. I really try to keep an even tempo when it comes to my moods. I have about a 99% I-don’t-cry-over-shit rate. My husband probably thinks that is reversed but one cry two cries a year is 1 or 2 cries too many for a retired Marine.
Why did I break down? Because of several levels of self loathing. I say stuff that inflames people. I don’t practice what I preach enough. I have no close family or friends or any friends or family, really, but my husband and my wonderful mother in law. I lost my best, sister-friend recently due to telling her some painful truths, so my heart is broken and then there is the all-the-time noise in the background of nature screaming in the pain of being dragged from the center, the balance that makes all living things work together to move forward in divine evolution.
I say inflammatory shit on FB because I desperately want other people to give a flying fuck about anything other than their immediate need to buy something cheap at Walmart that they will, because it is a cheap piece of shit, throw away within the month? Maybe a year?
Well, my husband does this too. And truth be told because I don’t want to fight all the time. I give in and we buy stuff made of and enveloped in plastic. How the fuck and why the fuck do I care so much if I am also part of the problem? GOD! It is infuriating that this is the world in which we live. That I have to think about every single choice I make and sometimes there isn’t a choice, not if you want to stay married to the love of your life. My husband loves me and treats me like a queen. I prayed for him for years… BUT this is the ever red line where we have our rows. I will continue to fight those battles though because eventually he knows I am right. He knows that all I want is a better place for us.
I can admit that I want the world to change because it would just be easier. I want peace on earth because it would be an easier existence. I am inherently lazy. I just want this life that breaks your heart to be a little less do or die for every purchase made, every dollar spent.
I thought about trolling, trying to waken some people up with love and respect of course, but those sites are filled with people who are so ungodly mean to each other, I just can’t even look at it much less participate in it. So how the FUCK do I convince some redneck from North Kakalacy that he needs to change the things he buys, much less to just THINK about caring about what he buys? Because the planet??? He would laugh me off his camo-themed FB page!
I can’t even convince my husband on the small stuff. I think I just need to start there. At home. Maybe I just need to just shut up for a while on my personal FB page until I get my own house in order. But the thing is I can’t. I don’t think I can do that.
I am addicted to hearing about the next dead shot-by-crazed-cop unarmed black man because I feel like if I know about it I can preach about the changes that need to take place in this country to make it different. But I have to clean my own house first. I need to focus on helping my husband my sweet, intelligent, open-minded, knight-in-shining-armor king of a guy realize that his white privilege is just that, white male privilege. It is a hard nut to crack, but I am now into the pith. I slipped through that hard shiny shell when I banged him real hard one time. Pieces are falling away and raw nut can be seen. So there is hope…
I don’t want to beat hubs up. Every time we war dance along that thin hot red line of where our beliefs collide we come out on my side. He has consistently improved over our 12 years together and we make less trash than 99% of Americans, but we still use plastic bags for that trash! Mama Mia!! Every choice I make makes me wish I was making a different choice these days. It is a very stressful way to live. And yes, I could divorce my husband, but I would rather die, so there you go.
I spent 10 days in a Vipassana silent meditation retreat and the whole point of it is to very simply keep healthy by not internalizing stressors by being conscious of the breath. And to practice that with at least an hour of meditation a day. That lasted until I met my true love one month later. I got sucked into the vortex of hormones that makes a human throw all things important into the wind like confetti. I am now just picking up those pieces. It is time to get back to serious meditation, to the practice of not reacting so much, breathing, being even keeled about it. I feel so horrible about myself for all of these non-perfect choices which I know contribute to the misery on our planet. It feels like I am going to hell with these choices. It is a Catholic-like guilt and I hate Catholicism. (And all other religions. I am an equal opportunity religion hater.;-)
I really feel like Christians need to get with the program. THIS IS HOW YOU GO TO HELL! When every choice you make is a choice between the lessor of two things that will cause harm to SOMEBODY in the upstream or the down stream in the making of it. I am pretty sure the bible frowns on harming other people. So every choice is just a greater or lessor sin by their book. I wish Christians would be more concerned about going to HELL because of the sins they commit every time they spend a dollar than whether or not people are gay and want to marry, or want to kill an unwanted fetus because bringing them into a world full of pain and neglect and abuse is better than letting them live and be cast to the wind because these same Christians no more want to help a child that is in poverty, neglected and abused than they do the parents of that child.
But WHY are we having to care and stress out about this shit so much? Don’t tell me it is a free market and the market just makes what we demand. The disposable society came from the drawing boards of executives post WWII who made good products but wanted to sell more of them. “Gee Bob, we have already sold all of our vacuum cleaners to every housewife in town, if we are going to expand and make more money we shouldn’t make our vacuum cleaners so that it can be handed down from mother to daughter! That’s just bad business! Besides, it costs so much to make our vacuums this way…” and on it went until we are now at a place where there is an 88 cent cookie sheet at Walmart. How the fuck can anyone make an 88 cent cookie sheet? What did Walmart have to do to produce this 88 cent cookie sheet? Steel had to be forged with what alloys we don’t fucking know, and it had to be molded by a machine and then packaged in PLASTIC and then shipped all the way around the fucking world. Who knows? The steel may have had to have been shipped there from here, like our animals now are being grown here, shipped there, processed there and shipped back here!
So getting back to my FB addiction problem… So I post about the things that are killing us and the planet and I preach and I make people uncomfortable and defensive, but here is the thing; if I have friended someone on FB there is a pretty darn good chance they are already concerned about these things. But the things that piss my friends off the most is that I post “conspiracy” shit. They still aren’t really getting it and so that is why I continue to post. I post things about the power structure and the sneaky or not so sneaky way s they are fucking us ALL. I definitely think there are some powerful mother fuckers “up there” in their cigar smoke-filled white mens’ clubs making life as hard and as toxic as they can for people. And by mother fuckers I mean sadist psychopaths who want nothing more than to see others suffer. It is their sexual pleasure, watching others wriggle in the pit they are thrown into.
I constantly try to get people to change, to see the truth of what is going on because I selfishly want to be here when the planet shifts to peace. What a nice place that will be!!!! I just pray it doesn’t take a fucking mother fucking war to get there! Aren’t we as a species sick to fucking death of war? I mean aren’t we??
God, it just seems so laborious. You have to lug, around the world, gigantic metal machinery to do what? Nothing ever fucking changes!! Yes, We defeated Hitler and Mussolini and let Stalin run away to his castle in the frozen lands to create a new war, the cold war. Arrrrrrggghhhh it is just so infuriating!
How do we stop the psychopaths?
Studies are coming out showing that an imbalance of pathogenic microbes in our guts causes mental illness.
So, my answer is live, fermented foods with lots of different kinds of Lactic Acid Bacillus, LABs. Later I will have a bibliography posted on all the studies that prove that LABs are the shizzit!
Cultured Food Life
The Art of Fermentation
But how do we get the word out to the psychopathic mother fuckers?????
So, I am not going to stop writing and sharing. I just decided. I am not an idiot and people need to know that they have to make better choices. I wish people won’t have to go though this stage of self loathing about those choices, but that is where mediation, constant self love talk and patience comes in.
Or is it too late?
Should I just forget it and consume like a bastard? I can’t. That’s the thing. Because I can hear nature screaming. I can’t stop trying and striving and loving. I just can’t stop.